Today was rather short. Just till 1 pm. I went to the CA to thank him for the opportunity and everything. He was really nice and said once more that I should apply for a position there (I mean Stolberg/Eschweiler). It really honours me.

Then I had lunch at Living Restaurant. Pretty good.

AÄ SH, KD and MG were really nice to me today. But I had a problem with one of the patients. I am not going going to discuss it here, but I guess what I could write about is ideals.

As I was in high school I met someone who completely changed my life. Of course, I didn’t realize it back then, but everything she told me back then remained in my heart and I think I can understand some of it better now. Not everything. I need more experience. This person remains in my heart as “my Mrs” and she’ll stay so till the day I die. “C do you have an ideal life picture in your head?” “Yeah Mrs, I do. I’d love it if I could score a good grade in my finals and get into med school. That would be the dream.” “You think so, child?” “yeah, Mrs, why do you keep asking me this?! That would be my ideal. To become a doctor. What else would I want in life?” My Mrs smiled at me. That frustrated me. What’s so funny about my dreams?? Ugh. And what else would I ask for in life?

One day we got to talk more about this.

“So did you ever get laid C?”

“Wtf… no. What sort of question is that?!”

“I’m just trying to explain you a thing or two.

“About sex??”

“No, about ideals. Cause you know, sometimes we want something so so so bad, that we start ignoring part of the truth about it. “

“Ahhh… and? What’s that got to do with my med school?”

“Just hear me out. So suppose this girl falls in love. She starts dreaming of a relationship with the guy, possibly sex, she paints a pretty good picture in her head. And she keeps dreaming about it.”

“You’ve really got a problem with this sex thing Mrs…”

“Shut up. You’re such a silly child. So she keeps dreaming about it. Then the night comes. And everything is almost perfect. Just as she’d pictured it. But “almost” perfect. You know, the guy has this problem with one of his teeth. It smells a little bad. Not too much, and she only sensed it once. But that’s it. Her ideal was no longer there. Although everything else was exactly as she’d pictured it to be.”

“I don’t get it.”

“I know. Just hear me out and try to memorize these words in that tiny head of yours… for later you know. When I’m no longer going to be here. Who knows… with cancer…”

“Ahhh Mrs nothing is going to happen to you. I love you too much to lose you. No. God will not allow it.”

“You’re so stupid and naïve C. What kind of doctor are you going to make…? Oh well. Let’s put it this way. You bought this new smartphone yeah. How do you find it?”

“It’s alright… yeah.”

“No buts?”

“Well… it’s just a little bit too large and it won’t fit in my pocket, but… I like it… I guess.”

“But wouldn’t it have been better if it were just a couple of mm smaller 1-2 mm?”

“Your point is??”

“I just find that ideals are good for us. Dreaming is good for the soul. But we should keep in mind that one cannot catch their ideal. It’s slippery. It’s slipping through our fingers. And just like a balloon, it flies higher and higher. And we keep poking at it, it will pop. It’s good that we have our dreams, but you know – if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. We lose our chances to become happy, you know? “Ok, so I didn’t get my ideal fulfilled… or I did, but this also came with the package”… So everything else, even the good stuff, goes to waste. Bloons. Get it, child?”

“No. And I disagree. I will become a doctor and I will be happy. End of story. ”

“You do realize our needs change? Sometimes in years, sometimes in the blink of an eye.”

“No. You’re boring me. Let’s just move on and finish our tasks.”

The patient is angry because not everything turned out the way she wanted it to be. Just 90%. And because of the other 10%, she ignores the good. She ignores the fact, that she has what other women only dare dreams of. She’s caught the idea of another woman. I found it deeply frustrating and I went to talk to her about it. She was better when I left. Good.

About this thing with ideas I could write for days in a row. You know, Germany was my ideal. Now I want to pass the FSP. Afterwards… who knows what I’ll want then? It just hit me that I too have been ignoring my other 90%, just like my patient. My Mrs would laugh at me now… I miss her.

🙂